My First Scribophile Critique

Last night I gave someone my very first critique.  http://www.scribophile.com/authors/robert-vincent/works/the-sword-of-dreams/17654/#comment-117402

Since I'm not a master of style and grammar yet, most of my comments centered around clarity of the story, i.e. questions left unanswered or sentences that just didn't make sense.

Took at while, but it was a lot of fun.  They have a karma system on the site.  (incoming wall of 'critique's).  You can't post work to be critiqued until you've critiqued others.  The longer their work the more karma it is worth to critique and the longer your critique the more karma it is worth.  Then if people 'like' your critique you can get even more karma.

You can then spend the karma to enter contests or to post your own work for critiquing.  Your work will be put in line to be spotlighted and is guaranteed to stay spotlighted until it has received at least 3 "long" reviews.

Exercise 1 - Freckles

Excercise # 1 - Second Draft - Focused on getting the first paragraph into the same narrative style as the rest.  As well as less repetition when describing Freckles.

Freckles

There's an old shack sitting alone in the middle of the woods.  It isn't exactly run down, but it's not the lap of luxury either.  It's an older building, but not run down.  It was well cared for when it was still used. Long planks that reach from the foundation to the roof serve for siding and tin sheets cover the roof.  There's a window just under the point of the roof so there's probably a loft or storage of some sort.  Some sort of sign hangs from the loft window, but any writing is long since weathered away.  The doorway underneath the loft window--from this angle at least--appears to be without a door.  The only other visible windows--two of them--are rather plain, with simple white frames around the six smaller panes that made up each one.

There is no direct path to the doorway, instead there are two planks spanning a five foot gap that surrounds the entire structure, exposing a foundation about five feet high that looks to be covered in tin sheets, with a small drain just underneath the entryway.  The tin shows signs of years of use, hard water and rust cover most of the surface.

Inside is nothing but an inch of dust coating everything, a lone ladder leading up to the loft above, and single set of footprints leading toward the loft.  With the door indeed missing, there is much more wear on the inside than would normally be expected.  The walls are plain wood, no wallpaper or paint.  There is no entrance to a basement, at least nothing plainly visible.  Up the ladder is more dust coating everything and a lone figure crouched hidden in a dark corner.  It's clear that the person here is the first one to have been here for a very long time.

The figure peeks out the loft window for several long minutes before getting up.  They brush the dirt off and head down the ladder and out the front door looking around carefully.  The girl is very young, no more than twelve or thirteen.  She eases out on to the planks spanning the gap around the structure glancing anxiously in every direction.  Her face is thin and heavily freckled on the cheekbones set above cheeks that are slightly gaunt, but not sickly.  Thin lips are currently pulled tight in worry.  Bright emerald green eyes contrast sharply against her bright red shoulder length hair--it has clearly been a while since she's had a chance to comb it out. Still, she is very pretty even if a little wild looking.  Blue denim overalls drape loosely over her small frame hanging from her skinny shoulders.  The straps have been tied together by a bit of string, to keep them from falling off.  She's wearing a green t-shirt with wrist length sleeves and a narrow neck.  Her shoes, more like boots, are made of a sturdy leather material, most likely suited to a lot of foot travel through hard terrain.  Overall it looks as though her clothes are a little worn but not ragged, she could have just been lost in the woods for a day exploring. 

Apparently satisfied that she is alone, she runs off in to the woods, surprisingly quiet while passing through the undergrowth.

Hopefully this is at least somewhat what you saw.

Scribophile

I've found a great online writer's group called Scribophile.  If you like writing and want to improve, check it out!

My new profile there: Profile!!

Exercise - February 15 2012 - Troll Sole

Current Exercise for 2-15-2012

"What can you learn from feet? If you're interested in character (or even in plotting), it could be a lot.

Either do a real life observation, or (if you're already engaged in a long prose narrative project like a novel or a memoir), remember or imagine that you or your main character or someone else is looking at some feet. This might be in a waiting room, or from the perspective of being tied up and gagged on the floor, or working a shoe salesperson. Think up a situation where someone is observing feet, and describe them in detail, including shoes if appropriate, pants cuffs-- right up the ankle or a little above. Describe first, then speculate or look for clues.Where could this take you?"

My wife requested to hear more about Dak, so I'll probably do something from his perspective today. Here goes:

Exercise ??? - First Draft

Troll Sole

Slowly, the great blur that was Dak's vision began to coalesce in to something more definable. He could tell that he was very close to...something. He blinked his eyes a few times trying to clear his vision. After a few moments he could begin to make out more details of what he could now tell was a foot and a rather large one at that. He crinkled his nose as the smell of the foot wafted in. There was nothing particularly remarkable about this foot. The sole of the foot looked like a single giant callous. It seemed more like a piece of leather tacked on to the bottom of the foot than actual skin. It was pitted and cracked and was probably thick enough to take a nail without even being noticeable. The toes weren't much better. Gnarled and stunted, they looked more like chopped off roots of a tree than actual toes. The nails looked hard and brittle, probably housing more than a few strains of fungi in their time. The skin on top of the foot was hardly better. Deeply tanned and dry it was doubtful that this foot had ever in its life been in a shoe. Scars crisscrossed his feet, some of them old and barely noticeable and some that looked to have barely healed over. The skin became more grayish near the ankle and coarse hairs sprouted at all angles.

He didn't dare look up. A troll...just great. There was a sound of rummaging through a sack and he knew it was pointless to hope it wasn't his. He jumped slightly when the strangely shaped tin he'd found in the abandoned shop fell to the ground in his view and clattered around for a few seconds before coming to rest. His heart pounding and his mind racing he wondered how he was going to get out of this situation.

Exercise - Valentine

I can't find a link for yesterday's exercise on the site at this moment. The short of it was that it needed to do with a heart of some sort. If she puts it back up with a number I'll edit this later.

Exercise ??? (was current on Valentine's Day) - Currently Second Draft.

Valentine

Dak paced around the object as he eyed it suspiciously. He bit his lower lip as he reached hesitantly toward it, afraid of what it could be, or what might be inside. Just inches away from it he jerked his hand back. Idiot, who knows what's in there. He stood up and checked to make sure that he was still alone before kneeling back down. This place must have been a shop of some sort. It certainly would not have been suitable for lodging. There was no way to tell what used to be sold here. Anything that wasn't bolted to the ground was already taken and,  judging by the some of the damage apparent to even casual inspection, some of what had been. Everything, except for this object lying abandoned in a dark corner.

It was small, no more than four inches wide and seemed to be made of metal. It was wrapped in a very thin red paper. There was a curious shape to it, like someone had taken an oval, creased both ends to a point, and then pushed one end in toward the other. That is such an inefficient shape for a container. If indeed it was a container. There was a crease, or at least the appearance of one that ringed the circumference of the object, but it had no discernible hinge. Perhaps it simply opened in to two halves, a top and bottom.

His heart was beating quickly. He yearned to know what this thing contained. He continued pacing, wringing his hands and licking his dry lips slightly. It could be something dangerous, but it could also be something valuable. He leaned over the object, just staring at it intently. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and steeling his nerves reached out and grabbed the object.

He frowned. Worthless. Anything this light couldn't be worth the trouble. Keeping the container at arms length he attempted to pry it open. Surprisingly it came open rather easily. Not a container meant for security then. Inside were four nuggets each in the same shape as the container itself, made of something he didn't recognize. Each one was resting in individual slots that seemed to be shaped specifically to hold them. The slots were all part of one piece that fit the shape of the lower half and seemed to be made of some flimsy brown plastic. Each nugget had a slightly different pattern on them but all were made of some smooth brown substance. Not taking his eyes off of the container he reached in to his pack and rummaged around for a moment before pulling out his blade. He poked gently at one with the tip of the blade, which penetrated the soft exterior with no effort at all. He shaved off a small sliver of the substance and lifted it to his nose.

It smelled divine. It was a sweet scent, with just a hint of bitterness to it, but also some sort of fruity scent. Food?! It couldn't be. This place had probably been deserted for years. If this substance was edible, how had it survived so many years. He smiled and closed the container quickly as he stood up. At this point he didn't care how it lasted so long, he could probably make a fortune trading it to the right people. He stuffed the container in his pack, slung the strap over his shoulder, and strode out on to the empty street and off in to the distance.

Random Writings of a Roleplayer

For those still following me, thanks for staying subscribed, for any newcomers, welcome. It's been a few years and a lot has changed. I'm no longer working technical support at SRS, I've since moved to QA (quality assurance) and am now actually a Software Engineer. The full story of all these transitions I'll have to save for another time. I also now have a son, who will be two in July. My daughter will be five in June and is ready to start Kindergarten. Time really does fly. It's amazing that my daughter is starting school already.

Now more to the point of this post and its title. I want to get back in to writing. I enjoy writing and want to improve so I went and found a site that has writing exercises: http://www.meredithsuewillis.com/writingexercises.html. I decided to do the exercises on this site and that I would post my exercises here for anyone who is interested. I'm hoping this will both inspire me to write more in general and also to keep my blog more up to date. Comments and constructive criticisms are welcome :) By constructive, I don't mean they have to be favorable. I mean, if you don't like it, tell me why, don't just say "sucks lawls".

My first post will be one I actually wrote yesterday, and I'll probably make a few edits, so you'll be getting a second draft of it. I don't know if I'll generally post second and third drafts here or if I'll just keep to firsts. Whichever ends up being more fun I guess.

Let the writing commence!

Yet more lunchtime ramblings.

Well, seeing as I have the time, I figure I should probably start putting something here again. I doubt very many are following this anymore, and considering the 5 month break in posts, I don't blame them.

Anyways, in general life has been good and we don't really have much to complain about. Our little girl has really grown. She is 19 months old now and full of energy. Unfortunately a lot of that energy is focused in to climbing whatever she can and she is good at it. She has already figured out how to climb out of the crib, forcing us to order a crib tent to keep her in. I guess that will work until she figures out how to undo whatever keeps the thing on the crib. Other than that she is well and healthy aside from a little cold she's had for the last week. She's a real joy and keeps us busy constantly.

Back a few months, right about when things really started looking bad for the economy our company was one of the ones doing a round of layoffs and gladly I was not among those let go. It definitely made the holidays a lot brighter not having to worry about where I would be working next week. We had a lot of fun during Christmas. We went and visited family in Idaho. Luckily the weather was very accommodating both on the way up and on the way down. It was good to see family again and I even got to see my friend who I haven't seen in over 10 years, Tim. He's the one who writes the Vagabond blog that I have linked. It was really cool to get to see him again. Both of us are a bit older and a bit heavier than when we last saw each other :) We told each other we'd have to make sure it wasn't a decade between visits again. We'll see how things go.

After Christmas I sold off one of my game systems to raise money to buy a PS3. We've really been enjoying it. We have a couple games for it, Little Big Planet and Ratchet and Clank. Little Big Planet (LBP from here on out) is one of the most creative and entertaining games I have played in a while. I would recommend it to anyone. It has really fun levels but also lets users create levels themselves for others to play, so there is an almost unending supply of levels to play. Warning though, the cuteness of the game is addicting beyond imagination and you'll find yourself wanting to buy the little costumes that are sold for your sack person (if you play it you'll see what I mean). It's one game you don't want to miss out on.

There isn't just that though, the PS3 is also our all around entertainment station. We subscribed to netflix and now we not only get Blue-Ray movies in the mail once or twice a week that we can watch, but there is also a decent selection of movies that can be streamed directly to the playstation. This bascially means if it's on netflix, hulu, youtube, cbs, nbc, espn, or on my computer, we can watch it on our TV. It's a pretty sweet deal. All that and a game station in one system isn't too shabby.

Anyways, back to the kiddo. It's been an interesting time for her. Last year she hit her teeth on the tub and knocked them in. We had to keep seeing the dentist every few weeks until he finally said that the teeth looked like they'd be fine afterall. He said usually when that happens kids lose the teeth they knocked in and often damage the permanant roots. Gratefully though, nothing happened to her. It's fun to watch Erin grow and develop her personality. Kid is a little firecracker sometimes. When something doesn't happen the way she wants it she can start to get upset pretty easily. Hopefully this only lasts through the toddler phase :p

Sveta is also doing well. She has been doing a little geneaology for people here and there and earning a little extra that way. She gets to stay home with Erin, of course, which is a blessing to the family, but a lot of work for her. Erin can be quite the handful. She gets to talk to her parents in Lithuania every day through Skype and Erin enjoys seeing her grandparents on a regular basis that way too.

My brain is a jumble trying to get down the various things that have happened without creating a 10 page post, so I'll just have to post more as I think of it. In closing, I just have to say that I found it rather ironic that on Superbore Sunday, that attendance at 9am church was so low considering that the superbore didn't even start for about 5 hours after church finished. I guess people needed to make sure they were good and rested so they could be attentive and alert for the church of the superbore ;p